


TG: dirk = fucked

by TheMostPsychotic (ymirjotunn)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, kind of, roxy and dirk are moirails
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-15
Updated: 2012-02-15
Packaged: 2017-10-31 05:00:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/340200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ymirjotunn/pseuds/TheMostPsychotic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roxy talks with Dirk about something he doesn't want to talk about. Auto talks to Roxy about the incoming shitstorm. It's not going to go well.</p>
<p>Practice dialogue between RoLal and DS.</p>
            </blockquote>





	TG: dirk = fucked

\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

TG: sooooooo   
TT: Yes?   
TG: so how did it go  
TG: i bet jakey is totes vyin for a piece of your choice strider sass  
TG: *ass  
TG: who ISNT vyin for that shit i mean dizaaaayum  
TG: yo dirk you there  
TG: helluuuuuuuu  
TG: *o  
TG: dirk fuck in a box whered you go  
TG: ok fine yes leave your poor dear frienf all alone  
TG: *fried  
TG: at least give me bobob jesus crips  
TG: goooooood  
TG: douchefag  
TG: omgomgomg sorry that wasnt meant to be offeffensive or anythin  
TG: dont b angry w me i love gay people zozzzz   
TT: Roxy.  
TT: Shut up.   
TG: dirk ur aliev!!!  
TG: *aliev  
TG: *aliev  
TG: *fuckit   
TT: I knew what you meant.   
TG: ok so u cant escape  
TG: tell me how it went!!!!   
TT: I haven't said anything yet.   
TG: yeah i KNWO dummy  
TG: thats y im tellin u to tell me WHAT HAPPENDED   
TT: I just told you.  
TT: Nothing, as of yet.   
TG: what  
TG: but u said youd be all 'jakey my dick years for your increds spexy butthole'  
TG: *sexy but omg that was a fun did you notice  
TG: *pun  
TG: becuz he wears specs????   
TT: Yes, Ro, I got it.   
TG: im SO FUNNY rite   
TT: Knee-slappingly so.  
TT: But I never told you my dick was yearning for anything.  
TT: I mean, I'm pretty fucking positive about that. I'm not really trying to spread it around.   
TG: oh yeah twas bobob   
TT: AR?   
TG: yeah  
TG: bobob  
TG: i mean i already knew u liked him  
TG: obbviousry  
TG: *omg im asian lmao   
TT: Hey, auto-responder. Get your ass in this chat.   
TT: Shoosh, dude. I only told her as a warning.  
TT: She already knew.   
TG: fyi janey and jaek have no fuckin clue  
TG: im just reeally assuned to the human psyeche ukno  
TG: *attuned   
TT: Fuck.  
TT: I expected more out of you.   
TG: meee?   
TT: Shut up, Roxy.   
TT: Shut up, Roxy.   
TG: lolllll ok   
TT: You expected more out of a thirteen-year-old? Come on, you ought to know better. Especially since it's a thirteen-year-old you.   
TT: What the hell did you tell her?   
TT: Nothing she didn't already know.   
TG: its true dirk  
TG: i already knew u liked him  
TG: i dont think jakey knows ur gay tho   
TT: Are you sure?   
TG: wow ur really stressed ab this  
TG: usu u wold get on me on how bein gay doesnt really have to be a thing  
TG: and it would take hours for me 2 shut u up  
TG: u really like him a lot huh   
TT: There's no use in avoiding her, you know.   
TT: Roxy.  
TT: Don't you even think about telling this to anyone, Jane, or Jake, or even your cat.   
TG: my cat  
TG: hes dead tho   
TT: Don't care.   
TG: you really do like him  
TG: shit my lil dirk is growin up  
TG: brings a tear to my matrernal eye   
TT: You're being way too blase about this entire thing.  
TT: I'm being serious. You can't talk about this to anyone.   
TG: wasnt gonna  
TG: dont u trust me dirk  
TG: christ ligtten up were in the game its gonna be  
TG: well not fun but decent  
TG: and i guess good luck when you finally tell him  
TG: hope u guys can bump dick or we it is dudes do for that   
TT: As if you don't know. I'm well aware you frequent CotL fanfiction websites.   
TG: o yeah  
TG: but calmasis is sometimes protragded as a girl or w both parts sooooooo   
TT: Surely you read some Zazzerpan slash.   
TG: uhghhgggg  
TG: calmasis is alot more attrastictiv  
TG: *how did that tpyo even happen lolol  
TG: but youre avoidin the subjec  
TG: *t   
TT: What subject?   
TG: see like that  
TG: tell im bobob   
TT: You are bobob?  
TT: Where did bobob come from, anyway?   
TT: She's right, you know.  
TT: You're avoiding the subject of Jake like red turtle shells thrown from a rival's Mario Kart.   
TT: Is it really necessary to talk about this?  
TT: Apparently you both know exactly how I feel, regardless of whether I okayed it or not.  
TT: Not naming any names or anything, but fuck you, AR.   
TG: oh stoppit dirk  
TG: all he did was confirn that u were gonna MAKE YROU MOVE  
TG: which i supected as mupch anyway so dony blame bobob ok godd  
TG: *fixit urself   
TT: Excuse me for being cautious.   
TG: i know i know u need a super dramactic entrance or w/e  
TG: but im not goin 2 spoil the suprise im NICE remeberm  
TG: bsides i want to c u guys get togethear   
TT: Why?  
TT: Aren't you as worshipful of Jake's toned adventurer's ass as anyone else in our social circle?   
TG: yeah but  
TG: idk  
TG: you two are such qts and qts belong together its like  
TG: a rule of hand or somethin   
TT: Thumb?   
TG: yeah that  
TG: but yeah im not oging to discoraroge you tow gettin withit  
TG: in fact if u requrin my ass  
TG: *istance danm enter key  
TG: im all over that shit ok   
TT: Thanks, but I'm sure I'll be fine.   
TG: and if he says no  
TG: u gonna be "fiend" then   
TT: I figure there are three possible outcomeshere.  
TT: One is fucking fantastic. Obviously desirable. The positive.   
TG: liek  
TG: 'ooh mr strider ooh i have laved you for a decade w out thinkin it could ever be reciprimaticed let me ravish u this instane'   
TT: He's laved me?  
TT: Jake has done a number of things over the years we've been acquainted, but he's never given me a fucking bath.   
TG: typo jerkass  
TG: ok but scencario numero dos por fovora  
TG: ^bilingual lookit me oohooeo   
TT: The second is slightly less desirable, but still a decent outcome; he accepts it as a fact, but chooses not to act on it.   
TG: so everythin would be the sam   
TT: The Sam?  
TT: Is that a professional wrestler?   
TG: shuut uuuup   
TT: But yes, I suppose. I'd just have gotten this shitstorm off of my shoulders.   
TG: which would b nice tho   
TT: Admittedly.  
TT: The third outcome is the negative. The one that I really fucking hope Jake is too nice to make a reality.   
TG: never talk to u agin   
TT: Yeah.   
TG: dont mean to be a downer but  
TG: youd die  
TG: im p sure   
TT: Yeah.   
TG: that wont hapn tho  
TG: jaek is waayayyaaa too nice 2 do that  
TG: even if hes totes squicked out  
TG: i think worst case scenaririor hed just not talk to u until hed come to grips w a guy lustign after his hot enlglish ass  
TG: o/c were in this hells of freaky game maybe thiss a bit of a wizard  
TG: *haha fuck my fingers sliddped intoa more natral word i swear that was hazzard  
TG: *hazar  
TG: *i giveup   
TT: Really, I don't know why you still bother trying to correct your typos.  
TT: But I've already considered that, Ro.  
TT: I've considered everything.  
TT: I've had a while to think about this, you know.   
TG: i guess  
TG: have u consideded how itll effect janyey   
TT: Yeah.  
TT: I mean, I feel bad or whatever, but she doesn't have the guts to tell him. Whereas, I do.   
TG: wow rude  
TG: but yeah i can see you thinkin  
TG: and i wish u the best of fuck  
TG: *there goe my slippin fingers again   
TT: I get it.  
TT: Thanks, Rox.   
TG: sure  
TG: let me kno if u nede like  
TG: friendly support  
TG: or moral or w e its caled  
TG: but dirk  
TG: can i ask a quick favoru  
TG: *lol not japanese   
TT: Sure.   
TG: when u and jakey inevitivitably get it oon will u plz tape it and send it 2 me for posteriority  
TG: *posterity haha duh im sooo silly   
TT: Yeah, no.   
TG: awww danm r u posititivv :( :( :(   
TT: First of all, nothing is 'inevitivitable', spelled correctly or not.  
TT: Second of all, we both know all you want is a glimpse of Jake naked.   
TG: just a lil glimple  
TG: *i adoror that specif typo what can i say  
TG: also what if i think ur ass is kinda hot too and ill neverrr get a look at it otherwise  
TG: since u dont even play for my TEAM gosshh   
TT: You just like asses.   
TG: u caught me dirk  
TG: hi im roxy lalonde and im an assoholic  
TG: its a treuly tryin addiction and my fam and friends have given me so much support that i dont desereve im so greatful dramactic bawlin  
TG: *i pronise i know how to spell   
TT: I sympathize with poor Roxy's affliction.  
TT: It's true, what they say. I have a rare disease known as 'flaminghomosexualitis'.  
TT: I am literally incapable of restricting my raging love of penis. This makes it incredibly hard to do a lot of things most take for granted, such as keeping a job. Buying groceries. Watching soaps.   
TG: im imaginggin u readin that in morgan freemnas voice  
TG: hahahahha also u said hard bet that was on purpose   
TT: No, it was an accident. A result of my unfortunate illness.   
TG: u poor thing  
TG: let mom lalonde shower u w hugs   
TT: Drunken hugs?   
TG: doii   
TT: I'll pass.  
TT: Hey, shouldn't you be getting back to the game?   
TG: im in a cave actually  
TG: hidin from thos efucking impos  
TG: *imps  
TG: so its cool   
TT: Well, unfortunately, some of us have to get in the Medium.   
TG: oh good luck  
TG: dont die   
TT: Thanks for the reassurance.   
TG: what im here 4 d  
TG: good luck w jakey btw  
TG: i better b the 1st to kno or i will be hells of miffed   
TT: Ok, ok. I'll make the AR keep you updated.   
TT: Yeah, sure. Use me as a messenger. That's cool. I'm totally not - like - sentient, or anything. Feelings? What are you even talkin' about?   
TT: It's no different from what you normally do.   
TT: Fine.   
TT: You're just jealous.   
TT: Nah. I'm glasses. I don't get boners.   
TG: is that good or bad im just a poor girl afflackted w no penis   
TT: Depends on the day, really.  
TT: Now, please excuse me while I escape this shittastic meteor storm.   
TG: of couse talk 2 u when u get into the medium   
TT: Later.   
TT: It seems we're alone now, Ro.   
TG: cmon dont try to b sexy rn  
TG: im too sad for dirk   
TT: You're well aware that Jake is straight.   
TG: well maybe hes not totally hetero u never know really  
TG: but i still dont think its gonna go well   
TT: Don't tell him that.   
TG: read bakc over the convo startass ddoes it look like im a total bitch   
TT: Not on purpose.   
TG: cmoooon bobob usu youve got a way smaller sdick up your ass than dirk  
TG: *stick but lMAOOO accurate   
TT: I'm just as worried as you are, Rox.  
TT: Maybe even more so, beacuse this is important to me, too.  
TT: It's a little hard to jokingly flirt with someone when they already know you're being totally unironic about it.   
TG: i know its worryin  
TG: fact is we cant make it SEEM worryin or dirks gonna back out   
TT: Highly unlikely.  
TT: After all the thought he's put into this? The probability of a last-minute change of heart is ridiculously miniscule.  
TT: I'd pull some random fucking number out of my ass, but who even gives a shit.  
TT: Just trust me. I'm a robot.   
TG: in the movies rorbobs are always the eeeevil ones oooooeoeoeoo   
TT: I assure you, I'm perfectly fucking benign.   
TG: benign he says  
TG: right after he says fucking  
TG: its cool bobo im just fuckin with your robtocitc sensibitlities  
TG: *sensibsimlies  
TG: *sensitiebelies   
TT: I know you're retyping that. Don't bother. There's an 89.34% chance you'll mispell it again.   
TG: *sensisbilites  
TG: shit bobob fuckin fuck u better use those powers for god   
TT: It seems you think I'm fucking divine.   
TG: incorrect  
TG: *good   
TT: I sure didn't know that 'god' was a mispelling. You have caught me in a moment of embarassing lack of foresight.   
TG: haHA bobob ROLAL WINS  
TG: or she would if you werent screwin w her  
TG: but back to the problem @ hand  
TG: dirk = fucked   
TT: In what way?   
TG: messed over u dumb bobob  
TG: even if jaek does liek ehim hes still not going to be with a guy  
TG: he likes his sos blue and distinctly lacklin a cook  
TG: *lacking   
TT: Ah, yes. I hate it when my significant others lack a cook. It's fucking insufferable, you know?   
TG: booooooobob  
TG: omg blushblushsbluhs i totes just typed boob   
TT: And you've just done it again.   
TG: fuuuuuck  
TG: u def made me do that   
TT: Look, it's not like Dirk hasn't considered that outcome. Like he said, he's thought about it for a while.  
TT: We've had nigh-endless conversations on the subject.  
TT: He'll be fine. If not right away, I believe he'll bounce back pretty quick.   
TG: at least pubically  
TG: *omgogmogmgogm U NEVER SAW A THING GOT THAT   
TT: Oh, Ro. So naive.   
TG: jerrrrkkk  
TG: ok so jeaney is pestering me  
TG: what do   
TT: Answer her?  
TT: It seems that is the obvious course of action.   
TG: no but  
TG: she might still be angry???   
TT: I don't follow you.  
TT: For the ~ath?   
TG: i blew up her fucnkin compuper hbow would she not be piffed at me   
TT: I don't suppose you're aware of your current BAC.   
TG: nop  
TG: but i DO know that janey is probs firious @ me and dirk is gonna get his haerbroken and i am this close to not havin any vodka left   
TT: It seems you're going to have an awful hangover later.   
TG: im used to it  
TG: im gonna go get some hard liqour to brave the shiststorm ahead  
TG: keep me updated on the exasct percencage of how brocken poor dirks heart is   
TT: Will do.   
TG: ollies outie woop woo   
\-- tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] \--

**Author's Note:**

> in which lauren is a fuckbutt of a writer
> 
> im sorry guys I SUCK
> 
> i did type this up for yall tho?
> 
> hope its acceptable (its not) but yeah
> 
> trying to get something up from my longfic but it's hard not having my netbook it's hard and nobody understands sobs into body pillow of dirk strider


End file.
